To me, marriage does not equal "everything is now held in common", so I don't relate to that thinking. Some things, yes, like if you buy a house together or if you need to educated the kids. But not everything. In my category of "not commonly held" is income from one person's work beyond their part of your joint commitments, stuff they owned before the marriage, and stuff they acquired as an individual. I don't feel entitled to any of that whether they're a partner, a sibling, a parent, or whoever. Clearly, opinions vary on this point.
I also have a distaste for dependence, and when one person can give or withhold money, there is a glaring and awkward dependence. I don't see that as desirable in, or even compatible with, a loving relationship between equals. So I choose not to be dependent on a partner for money.
Gifts are lovely, when they're given freely and with no strings attached. If someone can't give me a gift ungrudgingly, I personally don't want it. I'll buy it for myself or I'll do without. I don't want to get into a wheedling child / deciding parent modality with a partner, because I want to be seen as an equal.
So, that's me. *shrug* For what it's worth.
Personally, I'd lean towards asking for regular wages for the work you do on the farm, and paying for your own stuff out of your own money. But I'm not you... and also I don't know what the negotiated agreement between you and J. actually was. (There might not have been one-- I think a lot of people don't make their assumptions explicit until they come into conflict. :-/ )
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 01:08 pm (UTC)To me, marriage does not equal "everything is now held in common", so I don't relate to that thinking. Some things, yes, like if you buy a house together or if you need to educated the kids. But not everything. In my category of "not commonly held" is income from one person's work beyond their part of your joint commitments, stuff they owned before the marriage, and stuff they acquired as an individual. I don't feel entitled to any of that whether they're a partner, a sibling, a parent, or whoever. Clearly, opinions vary on this point.
I also have a distaste for dependence, and when one person can give or withhold money, there is a glaring and awkward dependence. I don't see that as desirable in, or even compatible with, a loving relationship between equals. So I choose not to be dependent on a partner for money.
Gifts are lovely, when they're given freely and with no strings attached. If someone can't give me a gift ungrudgingly, I personally don't want it. I'll buy it for myself or I'll do without. I don't want to get into a wheedling child / deciding parent modality with a partner, because I want to be seen as an equal.
So, that's me. *shrug* For what it's worth.
Personally, I'd lean towards asking for regular wages for the work you do on the farm, and paying for your own stuff out of your own money. But I'm not you... and also I don't know what the negotiated agreement between you and J. actually was. (There might not have been one-- I think a lot of people don't make their assumptions explicit until they come into conflict. :-/ )