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Shadows of tree trunks march like bars

across the barely visible trail

a small weaving gap in the ferns and ivy

thriving in the detritus of old pine needles

and the leaves of beech and birch

soft, damp footing our hooves tread

carefully as if we might disturb

the the freshness of the morning air

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(yea, I know, I could have written this weeks ago) First, the MRI report - Nothing wrong with my brain. I have signs of chronic sinus inflammation, however. Dr recommends actually taking my allergy meds, even when I don't think I need them. trying that, but nothing to report yet, that's a long-term solution. 
Second, Amitryptiline dosage and effects. It turns out the 25mg dose is about right for me. I have to budget 8-9 hours of sleep every night, but the positive effects are so good, I'm willing to live with that. It turns out that it's "on label" use is exactly the right thing for my brain as far as I can tell. Mood swings are gone. Granted, I feel a little flat, but I'm getting used to that. It's well worth being able to breathe and think in otherwise anxiety-producing situations. It's awesome to not go from "this is screwed up" to "want to kill everyone" in .05 seconds. Seriously - my PTSD is like that, and it's how I've been ever since I can remember, and now I'm not. It's almost like a miracle. Yesterday I was in a situation that I would have previously walked out on to protect the innocent, and I didn't have to, nor do I have to spend a day recovering from it. The other effect it has on me is probably very related to the first, but it's something I notice all on it's own because of the enormity of it in my life. I no longer feel hungry all the time. Again, I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't always wanting to eat. This is a totally new sensation for me: to walk past food and not have to eat it; to be late for a meal and not be a raving lunatic bitch, to be able to make good food choices because I'm not overwhelmed with hunger. I am eating less without noticing, without thinking about it. I have noticed in the past 3 weeks that I have lost some volume in various places, and about 2 lb on the scale. It'll come off slow, but maybe this time it'll stay off. I've also been adding muscle, just as an effect of riding and working out harder in preparation for competing again. On Thursday I ran my second fastest ever lap (0.1mi) at the gym. I suspect that 48 sec. isn't wicked fast for a sprint of that length, but as a personal time, I'm kinda excited about it. 
Life may not be good (although mine is in the context of the larger world) but at least I'm stable and relatively happy.
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This is the week/weekend of chimney. My chimney contractor is here now (on Saturday) putting in new flue liners for wood stoves and making room in the chimney for the gas boilers. 
The heat system is disconnected and 1/2 dismantled, maybe next week the heating contractor will come back and continue work on that.
The new living room is done, and currently serving as office and living room.
The new bathroom is still in progress. 
The hot tub is out.
The foundation on the south side is exposed and new south side footings are poured. 
Waiting for the electrician to move the PV cables, the conduit for that is in place.
The east end that is being demoed is cut off from the rest of the house at the second floor floor and the chimney that was there is down to the first floor ceiling. 
The framers are going to be working on the new outside walls and roof starting next week. 
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 Down in the field I just cut for hay I saw a bobcat. Later, I saw a rabbit pop out of one of the hole around the edge of the indoor arena while I was riding. So I have seen both predator and prey today. 
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 My house is one step closer to being smaller. Today Comcast's subcontractor came and moved the cable. Now my excavation contractor just has to finish filling in the trenches. 
Other things on the pre-demolition checklist:
new living room out of sunroom and hallway - the floor is done, needs trim, bookcases and paint.
new HC bathroom in old laundry room (keeping laundry there) - needs floor, sink, toilet, trim, and paint.
remove hot tub from cellar pool - prep work done, scheduled for movement on Monday
Drain heating system - done
Shut off domestic water from affected area (cut and cap pipes as necessary) - plumber next week?
Kill electric to demo area - 90% done. 
remove baseboards from demo area - in progress
remove windows from demo area - trim is off most of them, that'll likely be the last thing pre-demo.
Move furniture from office and library into new living room - library is partly packed, otherwise waiting for space to be finished.
Move buried cables coming up from PV panels to house - the new routing requires lots of earthmoving, which starts Monday after the hot tub is out.
As a side effect of reconstruction these other projects are in the works:
replace oil-fired boiler with gas - step one of acquiring larger propane tank is 90% done; tank is here and gas co should be here Monday to hook it up.
gut and re-flue main chimney - slated to be done concurrently with heat system replacement. 

The fact that we are far enough along to even have a checklist is pretty awesome.


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 Part of my house demolition involves moving where the Comcast cable enters the house. Last week, they sent out a tech on 'reconnaissance' to see what the heck the person I spoke to on the phone really meant. Today, a higher-up person called me, asked if I was going to be here, and showed up in the 30 min it said it was going to take him to get here. He looked at the job, told me what trenching needed to happen, talked to my excavation contractor who just happened to be here today, and handed me his business card saying to call him when the trench is ready. However messed up Comcast's call centers are, I continue to be impressed by the people on the ground. They guy who came today knows the person who orchestrated the installation of this system in 2011, who I remember as being very competent and easy to work with. 
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close up of manure spreader chain.

but it's really just the flaky rust on the manure spreader chain.
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Is this a better image?



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is this a photo?



seems to be. That's a kitty cuddled up in bed. He put himself there.
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is this a photo?

old photo of me on a horse

Seems like it is. From 1976. Me on Paleface.

here now

Apr. 8th, 2017 07:29 am
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Everything seems to have transferred. Don't know as I'll post any differently than before, but I tend to read friends every day or two.
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
The morning woke up and stretched
the infinite possibilities of the universe
  reaching out before it
but not until after bacon and eggs
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
There is an interesting point between being "in love" and "loving."  Many relationships (of mine too) are a very self-centered "in love". I wanted the relationship For Me: to make ME feel good. Then there are the rare few exceptions, when I've passed through being "in love" to "loving" - to wanting to see that other person happy, to being willing to (sometimes) sacrifice a small bit of my own happieness to help the other person be happier.  This is the point at which what would have been previously thought of as sacrifice becomes not-work, becomes the easy thing to do. That boundary snuck up on my recently. I'd been having glimpses of it for a while, but a couple of things happened recently to show me that yes, indeed, I no longer maintain this relationship in a state of need for myself, but in a state of compassion for my partner. "I love you" is no longer "I need you to acknowledge my importance" and is now "how can I help your life be better?"  The wierd thing is that I don't know when I changed. Some of the change is probably a product of me being happier and less stressed, but I know that's not all of it. Thank you, sweetie, for loving me long enough and well enough for me to find this place for us. 
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
I'm calling it a cooling party.
I have stuff to give away - bring your own box. Please take my stuff, including this pile of wine glasses my parents left.
I am soliciting donations of empty boxes, especially the right size for books.
If you want to come, and don't know where here is, comment (with a valid email address) or email me.
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
To quote [livejournal.com profile] dajt:There are some people around whom one should never even *think* "I want a pony".
So what did I do? I acquired, on free lease, a horse for him to ride. In essence, I got my boyfriend a pony for Christmas. His name is Buzz. There will be photos when I can take some of the two of them together.

I spent yesterday driving to nearly VT to pick him up. Buzz's people where nice and met me in West Lebanon NH, so I didn't have to drive the extra 45 min over hill and dale to Strafford VT. I'm really glad they did too, because we met "snow squalls" on the way up, which were more like a micro-blizzard and then the whole rest of the way I was dealing with wet/potentially icy roads. The driving took a lot out of me, but then I got home to 2 crises: Alice's truck needing repair and a broken stall door. My awesome brother came and fixed the door. Alice's truck got here, then to the shop, by way of her driving home and trading it for my truck, which she wanted to cap on, so there was getting that down from [livejournal.com profile] chocorua's barn. Needless to say, by the time I was done with all of that, I was pretty cooked. Slept well last night.
Which was really good, because today........
This horse needs a house, because the barn has all of it's stalls full as of tomorrow. I have a shed in a pasture, which currently houses some goats (not mine), and with a couple hours worth of work is now also housing Buzz. It was <10 Deg. F when [livejournal.com profile] miekec and I started working. I am constantly surprised at how prepared I am for working in those conditions. I was not cold. After we got Buzz down to the shed, it was time to pick up Alice's truck, which had no more wrong with it than a bad battery which was still under warranty, so they didn't charge me for anything. Then I got to the other thing that was on my list for 'before this storm' which was getting the manure spreader towed to the dealer for minor repairs to parts that have rusted. Which was about 45 min at under 30mph because spreader bearings aren't good for more than that speed. Got Miekec to the train station just as the train was pulling out, thanks to the clock in A's truck being 5 min slow. That was slightly frustrating, but she was happy to go sit in the bar, and I trundled home to go finish getting hay down to Buzz's shed and check in with Kat, my awesome sis-in-law and the barn managere here to make sure that everything was all set. I really should go back out and do something with Wyatt, but it's now back below 10 deg F, and I think he can wait until morning when it is supposed to be warmer. I expect I'll sleep well again tonight. 
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
Eleven years ago this week, I quite literally found myself. It was a lot like waking up from a multi-decade slumber with lots of nightmares. Before a year had elapsed after that event, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and by the end of 2006 had started therapy for it. Needless to say, 2006 was a very bad year for me, personally. As I come to the 10th anniversary of that, we are at the close of a bad year where the bad is not intrinsic to me, but extrinsic; A year where the world and the society we live in seems to have gone mad. In those 10 years, I learned ways to be stable. I opened my eyes to love I didn't know existed in the world. I discovered sensations I'd never dreamed I'd like. There are a lot of people who helped me along the way, and for all of you, I have gratitude. I will keep holding the love, no matter what happens extrinsically.
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
tears drive steam trains down my cheeks
I am a hollow mountain, threatening collapse
under the strain of an earthquake
I feel like a drought in a rainforest
a monsoon in a desert, so far out of place
paralysis, suspension of belief in reality
how can this even be happening
Mop up the dust of my life
again
and again
and again….

with water I don’t have trying to
clean dust that blew away years ago
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
And right now I feel like we are in the season of upheaval. I want to turn my life over, shake the loose change out of the pockets, and run away somewhere out of this country. Attractive as that might sound however, I'm staying right here. Here is where my people are. My job is here, and despite my job not being relevant to my income, I like the work quite a lot and it helps a lot of people. I feel like in my witchcraft community we are all out of spoons, and yet, each of us always has one to lend when someone needs one. We are rising to the challenge and supporting each other in the face of fear of returning to the burning times, in the face of fear for our brothers and sisters who are not the favored group. I may be white, but I am also a woman, bisexual and a witch. When will they come for me? Some of my best friends are gay men; when will they come for them? I am lucky to live in a part of the country where there is more tolerance rather than less, but we are still not immune.
In order to keep myself functioning, I am keeping my news exposure to a minimum. I am not being a complete ostrich, but trying to hang on every thing that is happening would send me to the psych ward, assuming it hasn't been replaced with jail. Also, I'm working on plans to remodel my house.
goddessfarmer: (graincat)
Me: I don't think you'd ever called me "awesome" before.
Other sweetie does it all the time, but it meant something different coming from you.

Him: now I'm embarrassed

Me: why?

Him: I don't remember when I called you "awesome"...

Me: last night, when we were saying good bye, up in my room.

Him: well clearly it was so obvious to me that I didn't make special note of it  

Me: it seemed that you were appreciative of me for the space I made for you and [other gf].

Him: that was pretty awesome. But really, the space you make in your heart and home for me and other special people is very awesome

Me: I'm a little bit sad that it's that awesome, because that implies that it's not normal, and it should be.

Him: the world would be a much better place if that were normal, rather than so many people not even having a place for themselves in their hearts

Me: Sweetie, that's deep, and true, and one of the reasons I love you so much.
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