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goddessfarmerMy Brain. With Upgrades.
I think, most probably, that the beginning is the very best place to start. However, before I can actually begin, it might be clarifying to define a few terms.
My narrative is uses words and turns of phrase not generally found in common usage. For starters, Even though my brain is an easily malleable organic system, I find it convenient to approach it as if it were only so much computer software. It is, after all, an Intelligence, although not an Artificial one. As with computer software, I have chosen to label my revisions as 'major version number'.'minor version number'.'patch level'. For example v 10.5.5 is the current o/s (operating system) on my computer. I tend to be unaware of patch levels as they happen, and was sometimes unaware of minor revisions, but the major revisions were either unavoidable or self-created.
An other major symbol set that comes into use is my witches toolbox. I have, over the years, cultivated forms of meditation and energy healing that I have found useful in my own healing as well as helping others. I am defining the following terms as I use them. Do not expect that my usage will overlap with some notion that you already have.
Meditation is the conscious act of emptying my mind, with no intent other than stillness. Sometimes into that stillness or on the process of becoming that stillness visions present themselves.
Shamanic journey, which I am likely to just call journey, is a deliberate process of entering an altered state to access my unconscious, the collective unconscious and other not-in-this-time-space 'places' usually for the purpose of attaining specific or general information in the form of vision.
Soul fragment: when a piece of the being is cut off, leaves, 'fragmented' away from the being.
Reiki: a form of energy healing which I use both for myself and others. Unlike may practitioners of this art, I believe that Reiki energy is available to all people who desire to use it and all they need to do is find it within themselves in order to find it without.
Gods, goddesses, spirits, ancestors, ghosts, etc.: You are welcome to call them a figment of my (or your) imagination, however I prefer to treat them as if they are real beings outside of my own self possibly in some other dimension as my experience suggests.
Poly: polyamory - as defined by me, your milage may vary - the willful act of loving and being intimate with more than one person simultaneously (but not necessarily in the same bed at the same time.) I know that many folk can and do love one more than another, however that is not how I work. People are a lot like cats to me: I love many of them, but I have different relationships with each of them. It is very important to my practice of poly to make sure that each relationship has level of priority appropriate to the boundaries of the relationship.
In the beginning there was v1.0. I really don't think there was really anything wrong with 1.0. But the conditions under which 1.0 was required to live broke it. Do remember that this is an organic intelligence, which is self-modifying to suit it's environment. So during the infancy and youth (say ages 0-6) of the system, v 1.0 - 2.x, modifications were made that allowed a certain amount of functionality at the expense of other features. I will briefly describe some of the limiting conditions, most of which were discovered recently during journey work. The earliest was scheduled food/light cycles, with no consideration for my actual needs. A recurring theme was being in the presence of great anger and violence, most likely not the fault of my behavior, but certainly directed at me. All of this, of course, was well hidden from 'public' view, and denied vehemently when brought before various therapists. By the time I was 7, (switching to shamanic imagery) my soul was pretty well shattered and a large fragment had removed itself in the name of self-preservation. It is pretty clear to me (now) that I had symptoms of PTSD and severe depression by the time I was 10. When I was 13, one of my teachers send me to the school shrink. That one listed to me, somewhat, tried to get me to change my behavior, had my mother in, who lied like a rug (or conveniently forgot things) and said there was nothing she could do for me. The same exact thing happened in High School. V 2.x broke completely in college, and attempted suicide. I'd be willing to bet I got v 3.0 around then. The main differences being that while still very fragile, v 3.x had the safety catch enabled. A shout-out to those of you who knew me then: thank you for your kindness, it has not been forgotten. One of the v 3.x revisions learned to meditate, and started trying to look for the missing pieces. Congruently, I was also learning to farm and mechanic things. V 4.0 was a farmer. Passionately and completely. Revisions of 4.x included using tools, and, most importantly, not being afraid to do things, and not being afraid of my own power. There were also pitfalls, and continued struggles. There were still issues with weight and temper and avoidance of social interaction.
On December 5, 2005, I was visiting my Guru for a Reiki treatment. While he was working, I slipped into trance and had a spontaneous soul retrieval experience. That big chunk that had departed when I was 6 (or so) finally felt that I was safe enough to return. This was the install of V 5.0 and the beginning of a lot of swift changes. I was no longer living my entire life in a state of dissociation. I actually heard what people said to me. (That was an eye-opener) I remembered that really, despite everything, I like people. But with the new awareness came a lot of contradiction and stress. I was able to see just how bad I really was. On top of that, the safety was 'off' again. Temper and suicidal thoughts returned more aggressively than ever. I became actively poly, gained a BF and then lost him because of my brokenness. But in this case, having the castle walls completely shattered opened up new space for healing.
Because of my awareness of my brokenness and the broken way I was interacting with people, my marriage just about fell apart then. We started joint therapy, and that therapist, unlike any of the 5 or 6 I'd had previously, finally put all my symptoms together and recommended that I get evaluated by the PTSD specialist. This was yet another 'light bulb' moment. It all fit. I now had a name for my 'illness' and reasons for my anger and depression. I continued intermittent shamanic journey work, and started on weekly therapy. It took about a year before I was comfortable enough with the therapist (Dr. S) to start making progress. I note from looking back in my journal that I declared a v 6.0 in December of 2007. I am pretty sure this was the point at which I got the safety back. I no longer felt mostly depressed and I was excited about my progress. I was coming to grips with the death of my mother in April of 2007 from breast cancer. I was finally to the point that it was no longer upsetting me that I was not upset that my mother was dead. No, I don't miss her.
During the first part of 2008, I did more journey work, and kept on with my therapy. Through the journey work, I was finding pieces of information about the nature and timing of the abuse I had received. Taking this information to my therapist, I was able to come to terms with the fact that there was no way that any of it could have been my fault. It took a while, but finally I came to terms with that and was able actually accept that I am a good person, despite all of the early conditioning to the contrary. For the first time in my life I was happy with myself.
Taking this newfound confidence in myself and continuing to use journey for information gathering, I devised a ritual for letting go of the crap handed down from my mother. On September 28 and October 31 2008 through journey and ritual I made some more major changes to my inner landscape, releasing great weights that I had been unnecessarily carrying. This signified the upgrade to v 7. Where I am now. The biggest feature of V 7 is that I am no longer totally freaking out for no apparent or very little reason. I have not had any PTSD symptoms since August 2008.
I think, most probably, that the beginning is the very best place to start. However, before I can actually begin, it might be clarifying to define a few terms.
My narrative is uses words and turns of phrase not generally found in common usage. For starters, Even though my brain is an easily malleable organic system, I find it convenient to approach it as if it were only so much computer software. It is, after all, an Intelligence, although not an Artificial one. As with computer software, I have chosen to label my revisions as 'major version number'.'minor version number'.'patch level'. For example v 10.5.5 is the current o/s (operating system) on my computer. I tend to be unaware of patch levels as they happen, and was sometimes unaware of minor revisions, but the major revisions were either unavoidable or self-created.
An other major symbol set that comes into use is my witches toolbox. I have, over the years, cultivated forms of meditation and energy healing that I have found useful in my own healing as well as helping others. I am defining the following terms as I use them. Do not expect that my usage will overlap with some notion that you already have.
Meditation is the conscious act of emptying my mind, with no intent other than stillness. Sometimes into that stillness or on the process of becoming that stillness visions present themselves.
Shamanic journey, which I am likely to just call journey, is a deliberate process of entering an altered state to access my unconscious, the collective unconscious and other not-in-this-time-space 'places' usually for the purpose of attaining specific or general information in the form of vision.
Soul fragment: when a piece of the being is cut off, leaves, 'fragmented' away from the being.
Reiki: a form of energy healing which I use both for myself and others. Unlike may practitioners of this art, I believe that Reiki energy is available to all people who desire to use it and all they need to do is find it within themselves in order to find it without.
Gods, goddesses, spirits, ancestors, ghosts, etc.: You are welcome to call them a figment of my (or your) imagination, however I prefer to treat them as if they are real beings outside of my own self possibly in some other dimension as my experience suggests.
Poly: polyamory - as defined by me, your milage may vary - the willful act of loving and being intimate with more than one person simultaneously (but not necessarily in the same bed at the same time.) I know that many folk can and do love one more than another, however that is not how I work. People are a lot like cats to me: I love many of them, but I have different relationships with each of them. It is very important to my practice of poly to make sure that each relationship has level of priority appropriate to the boundaries of the relationship.
In the beginning there was v1.0. I really don't think there was really anything wrong with 1.0. But the conditions under which 1.0 was required to live broke it. Do remember that this is an organic intelligence, which is self-modifying to suit it's environment. So during the infancy and youth (say ages 0-6) of the system, v 1.0 - 2.x, modifications were made that allowed a certain amount of functionality at the expense of other features. I will briefly describe some of the limiting conditions, most of which were discovered recently during journey work. The earliest was scheduled food/light cycles, with no consideration for my actual needs. A recurring theme was being in the presence of great anger and violence, most likely not the fault of my behavior, but certainly directed at me. All of this, of course, was well hidden from 'public' view, and denied vehemently when brought before various therapists. By the time I was 7, (switching to shamanic imagery) my soul was pretty well shattered and a large fragment had removed itself in the name of self-preservation. It is pretty clear to me (now) that I had symptoms of PTSD and severe depression by the time I was 10. When I was 13, one of my teachers send me to the school shrink. That one listed to me, somewhat, tried to get me to change my behavior, had my mother in, who lied like a rug (or conveniently forgot things) and said there was nothing she could do for me. The same exact thing happened in High School. V 2.x broke completely in college, and attempted suicide. I'd be willing to bet I got v 3.0 around then. The main differences being that while still very fragile, v 3.x had the safety catch enabled. A shout-out to those of you who knew me then: thank you for your kindness, it has not been forgotten. One of the v 3.x revisions learned to meditate, and started trying to look for the missing pieces. Congruently, I was also learning to farm and mechanic things. V 4.0 was a farmer. Passionately and completely. Revisions of 4.x included using tools, and, most importantly, not being afraid to do things, and not being afraid of my own power. There were also pitfalls, and continued struggles. There were still issues with weight and temper and avoidance of social interaction.
On December 5, 2005, I was visiting my Guru for a Reiki treatment. While he was working, I slipped into trance and had a spontaneous soul retrieval experience. That big chunk that had departed when I was 6 (or so) finally felt that I was safe enough to return. This was the install of V 5.0 and the beginning of a lot of swift changes. I was no longer living my entire life in a state of dissociation. I actually heard what people said to me. (That was an eye-opener) I remembered that really, despite everything, I like people. But with the new awareness came a lot of contradiction and stress. I was able to see just how bad I really was. On top of that, the safety was 'off' again. Temper and suicidal thoughts returned more aggressively than ever. I became actively poly, gained a BF and then lost him because of my brokenness. But in this case, having the castle walls completely shattered opened up new space for healing.
Because of my awareness of my brokenness and the broken way I was interacting with people, my marriage just about fell apart then. We started joint therapy, and that therapist, unlike any of the 5 or 6 I'd had previously, finally put all my symptoms together and recommended that I get evaluated by the PTSD specialist. This was yet another 'light bulb' moment. It all fit. I now had a name for my 'illness' and reasons for my anger and depression. I continued intermittent shamanic journey work, and started on weekly therapy. It took about a year before I was comfortable enough with the therapist (Dr. S) to start making progress. I note from looking back in my journal that I declared a v 6.0 in December of 2007. I am pretty sure this was the point at which I got the safety back. I no longer felt mostly depressed and I was excited about my progress. I was coming to grips with the death of my mother in April of 2007 from breast cancer. I was finally to the point that it was no longer upsetting me that I was not upset that my mother was dead. No, I don't miss her.
During the first part of 2008, I did more journey work, and kept on with my therapy. Through the journey work, I was finding pieces of information about the nature and timing of the abuse I had received. Taking this information to my therapist, I was able to come to terms with the fact that there was no way that any of it could have been my fault. It took a while, but finally I came to terms with that and was able actually accept that I am a good person, despite all of the early conditioning to the contrary. For the first time in my life I was happy with myself.
Taking this newfound confidence in myself and continuing to use journey for information gathering, I devised a ritual for letting go of the crap handed down from my mother. On September 28 and October 31 2008 through journey and ritual I made some more major changes to my inner landscape, releasing great weights that I had been unnecessarily carrying. This signified the upgrade to v 7. Where I am now. The biggest feature of V 7 is that I am no longer totally freaking out for no apparent or very little reason. I have not had any PTSD symptoms since August 2008.
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no subject
Date: 2009-02-23 11:43 pm (UTC)I envy you that, though mine get more and more under control as time goes on; just gotta watch my circumstances with a hawk's eye and control them to the degree that I can so they at least come at a manageable pace.
Also? You rock.
I have unwittingly performed soul retrievals on folk when I have done energy healing before. It isn't something I talk about much, and it is IS NOT something I set out to do; sometime it just happens.
This is a pretty powerful post. Thank you for that.
Thanks for sharing
Date: 2009-02-24 01:57 am (UTC)hugs!
no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 06:01 am (UTC)i hope to get over ptsd someday myself. i'm so glad you did :)
no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 12:36 am (UTC)By the way...hello again...checking back in just to make sure you're still ok, ...and your SO, too.