show nerves

[goddessfarmer]

Tomorrow I am competing in my first full Horse Trials in over a year. The over a year part is a long story, but the short form is that life intervened.  Skip is going really well. I think our dressage is possibly better than it's ever been. I've done two 2-phases this year, so stadium jumping should be fine, having been fine. I'm looking for a clean and fast round cross country to finish qualifying for the Training 3-day event in August, for which I have sent an entry. If I can't do this Horse Trials 4 weeks out from that, there will be no way I'll be ready. I'm not worried about Skip, he's jumping out of his skin fit and eager to jump all the jumps. The big question will be can I get my brain out of the way and let my body do what it knows how to do? One would think that show nerves would recede the more one did the thing, the older one gets. What I think is happening in my head is that I am more aware of how badly I could get hurt if I crashed. Keep in mind here, that I first rode at this level when I was 14, and I've been eventing since I was 10. In all that time, I've never had a serious fall on course. Yes, I've had my fair share of falls, but the bad ones have ALL been when I was doing stupid shit at home. Everything I'm schooling at home is bigger and harder than the level at which I'm competing. I know how to do this thing. I need to remember to breathe and let my brain get out of the way. I need to remember what it felt like when I was 14. The rest of my life might have sucked then, but riding was my salvation. Out there, it's just me and the horse. Bring it on.

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

You have a super horse and all the skills for the task and then some. Trust it. :) Have a good ride!

[deguspice.livejournal.com]

My fingers are crossed, and it sounds like you'll have a dedicated assistant to help with the event.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

I think almost everyone I know in the horse world who has reached "middle age" and "middle age" responsibilities (family, income, health, etc.) has those "what if I come off?" feelings. It's easier to ignore "all that" if one's a Fearless Teen (thinking of A here, and contrasting how she and I rode Feronia back when I first had her.)

Oddly enough, I didn't have *enough* fear when I returned to riding, even though I was pretty timid as a teen. That started to change with the first time I fell off (Minnie, when she bucked after my first ever tiny crossrail in about 25 years) and I *did not bounce* like I had before... I was sore and creaky for days.

I got more fear after Trumpie, needless to say... I mean, that accident, as bad as it was, could have been much worse, and I spent a lot of time thinking, in the back of my brain, not about being afraid to ride (because I wasn't), but afraid of the consequences of riding if something went bad. It's a function of my own odd headspace that I've mostly dealt with it by taking Feronia and me into unpredictable situations that could turn dangerous very quickly. Again. and again. and again.

In any case, I think b is right -- trust the horse, trust yourself, and know you're well-prepared whatever happens.