He still thinks of it as "his" land. I do not think that having a different 'job' from the one I have now (household maintainer) would create any more happiness in my life. I like what I do. My happiness is not measured in dollars.
I think it is great that you enjoy what you are doing, and I am not sure that an outside job is the right answer if you really don't believe that it would make you feel happier, more powerful or more productive. I'd still guess, though, that James' suggestion reflects his belief that a job would make you happier, not a lack of appreciation for what you currently do.
I do think that there is some extent to which control over money does equal power in a relationship, but it is unlikely that the income you would get from a part-time job would do much to change that balance.
There might be some things that you could do (if you both want to do them) to help balance the power in your relationship by changing the way that you think about money and expenses. The fact that James is the (only or primary) source of the assets and income doesn't have to mean that he owns or controls all of it.
(1) Do you (plural) have a shared understanding of your long term financial goals?
Even people who have a relatively large amount of money should think about things like when they want to retire, what lifestyle they want to have after retirement, how to fund their children's education, and what they want to leave behind for the next generation. I'm not asking if James has a plan... I am asking if the two of you have a shared plan for what you want to accomplish in these areas together. If you don't have a shared plan for these things, it might make sense to make one. You could then develop a mid-term (~5 year?) financial plan (how much can you afford to spend each year? how much income do you need? etc.) that is consistent with those goals.
(2) Do you (plural) have a good understanding of what you spend in a given year and what you spend it on? Do you have a shared understanding of whose expenses those are?
If not, it might be a good idea to try to recreate what you've spent in the last ~12 months. It might be particularly useful to try to break that down into different categories like: shared household expenses, other family expenses (vacations, etc.), child-specific expenses (clothes, education, hobbies, etc.), James' personal expenses (clothes, trains, etc.) and your personal expenses (clothes, horses, etc.). I think you would learn a lot just from trying to categorize these items. I wouldn't be surprised if there are things that you think of as "maintaining James' land" that James thinks of as "Jocelyn's hobbies". So, you might learn a lot more than how much you have spent.
(3) Do you have a mutually agreed annual budget?
If not, I'd suggest that you make a realistic budget for the next year. It could be based on your previous year's budget, with modifications for any specific one-time expenses you expect in the next 12 months (vs. one time expenses from last year) and adjusted, if necessary to be consistent with your long term goals.
This budget would include some huge chunk of money for what can be loosely termed "Jocelyn's hobbies", a chuck that James currently estimates at ~$30,000 per year. Hopefully you could reach agreement on a budget for this category that makes you both feel comfortable while keeping your overall budget in line with your financial plan. Then, that could be _your_ money. You could get new hobbies, drop old ones, save money for a few years for a major hobby-related purchase, or make other choices within that budget completely without the need to consult James or cross the money == power boundary in your relationship.
If you did decide to get a job, you and James could reach an agreement about what percentage of your income should go into shared/household expenses and what portion should augment your personal budget.
I asked a number of question above, but the answers are none of my business. These are questions that you and James could ask yourselves.
This type of thing (with much smaller numbers :-)) has helped in my relationships, and I am hoping it could help in yours. If you don't think it will help, feel free to ignore my advice.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 08:26 pm (UTC)I do not think that having a different 'job' from the one I have now (household maintainer) would create any more happiness in my life. I like what I do.
My happiness is not measured in dollars.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 02:34 pm (UTC)I do think that there is some extent to which control over money does equal power in a relationship, but it is unlikely that the income you would get from a part-time job would do much to change that balance.
There might be some things that you could do (if you both want to do them) to help balance the power in your relationship by changing the way that you think about money and expenses. The fact that James is the (only or primary) source of the assets and income doesn't have to mean that he owns or controls all of it.
(1) Do you (plural) have a shared understanding of your long term financial goals?
Even people who have a relatively large amount of money should think about things like when they want to retire, what lifestyle they want to have after retirement, how to fund their children's education, and what they want to leave behind for the next generation. I'm not asking if James has a plan... I am asking if the two of you have a shared plan for what you want to accomplish in these areas together. If you don't have a shared plan for these things, it might make sense to make one. You could then develop a mid-term (~5 year?) financial plan (how much can you afford to spend each year? how much income do you need? etc.) that is consistent with those goals.
(2) Do you (plural) have a good understanding of what you spend in a given year and what you spend it on? Do you have a shared understanding of whose expenses those are?
If not, it might be a good idea to try to recreate what you've spent in the last ~12 months. It might be particularly useful to try to break that down into different categories like: shared household expenses, other family expenses (vacations, etc.), child-specific expenses (clothes, education, hobbies, etc.), James' personal expenses (clothes, trains, etc.) and your personal expenses (clothes, horses, etc.). I think you would learn a lot just from trying to categorize these items. I wouldn't be surprised if there are things that you think of as "maintaining James' land" that James thinks of as "Jocelyn's hobbies". So, you might learn a lot more than how much you have spent.
(3) Do you have a mutually agreed annual budget?
If not, I'd suggest that you make a realistic budget for the next year. It could be based on your previous year's budget, with modifications for any specific one-time expenses you expect in the next 12 months (vs. one time expenses from last year) and adjusted, if necessary to be consistent with your long term goals.
This budget would include some huge chunk of money for what can be loosely termed "Jocelyn's hobbies", a chuck that James currently estimates at ~$30,000 per year. Hopefully you could reach agreement on a budget for this category that makes you both feel comfortable while keeping your overall budget in line with your financial plan. Then, that could be _your_ money. You could get new hobbies, drop old ones, save money for a few years for a major hobby-related purchase, or make other choices within that budget completely without the need to consult James or cross the money == power boundary in your relationship.
If you did decide to get a job, you and James could reach an agreement about what percentage of your income should go into shared/household expenses and what portion should augment your personal budget.
I asked a number of question above, but the answers are none of my business. These are questions that you and James could ask yourselves.
This type of thing (with much smaller numbers :-)) has helped in my relationships, and I am hoping it could help in yours. If you don't think it will help, feel free to ignore my advice.