I was in a marriage where the income disparity varied quite a lot. Sometimes, I made the money, sometimes my ex did. My ex always expected me to work, partly because he didn't always work himself. We shared finances, but sometimes fought over them, and I finally went off on my own to make myself happy and I got a "you took 18,000 dollars of my money away when you did your thing" as a response.
Personally, I don't think adults should feel they have to take care of another adult unless said adult cannot do his or her fair share due to some sort of disability. The question for you and James seems to be what the definition of "fair share" is. That sounds like something you can talk about in couples' therapy -- what is considered a fair share, and what is a considered an acceptable contribution? It may require some negotiation if your definitions are wildly different, or if the financial or personal circumstances of your household have changed enough to reconsider who makes what money.
Either way, it requires discussion. I know it's hard -- I solved it by walking and have not regretted it (now I know EXACTLY where my money goes!) but I definitely do not encourage such a solution unless absolutely necessary. I think it's more fruitful to hear the mind of your partner and see for yourselves how to work things out.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
"Fair Share"
Date: 2007-09-20 09:25 pm (UTC)Personally, I don't think adults should feel they have to take care of another adult unless said adult cannot do his or her fair share due to some sort of disability. The question for you and James seems to be what the definition of "fair share" is. That sounds like something you can talk about in couples' therapy -- what is considered a fair share, and what is a considered an acceptable contribution? It may require some negotiation if your definitions are wildly different, or if the financial or personal circumstances of your household have changed enough to reconsider who makes what money.
Either way, it requires discussion. I know it's hard -- I solved it by walking and have not regretted it (now I know EXACTLY where my money goes!) but I definitely do not encourage such a solution unless absolutely necessary. I think it's more fruitful to hear the mind of your partner and see for yourselves how to work things out.