Ask Dr LJ - is being poly like being gay?

[goddessfarmer]

I know I've probably just offended someone with that post title. I'd like to hear your opinions on being polyamourous, specifically if you think being poly is something intrinsic to each individual or it is something that can be learned, or turned on and/or off. My (admittedly limited) knowledge of "gay" leads me to believe that it is an intrinsic quality, like having brown eyes, is being poly like this?  Please discuss.

Comments

[dpolicar]

My $0.02, for what they are worth:

Sexual and romantic identity is complex. By which I mean it has a lot of aspects to it, and those aspects interact.

We can get into a whole discussion of whether those aspects are "intrinsic" or "learned" in the abstract, but what you really seem to be asking here is whether, if someone starts out one way, can they (or you) count on them staying that way? Or, conversely, can they (or you) count on being able to change?

That is, you want to know how mutable these aspects are.

As far as I can tell, the mutability of expressed gender preference in sexual partners varies among people: some people keep one their whole lives, other people's varies over time.

Of course, social pressure has something to do with that.

OTOH, so does individual experience. That is, if you meet someone and fall madly in love with them even though they're of "the wrong gender," your orientation may change to reflect that.

And it may all just be a matter of awareness... that is, it may be that when someone who identifies as straight later comes to identify as gay or vice-versa, the reality is that they were bisexual all along, and are just changing what aspects of their orientation they're aware of. I don't know.

All that said, for whatever reason, the majority of people settle on an expressed orientation fairly early and don't change that aspect of their identity much. So, oversimplifying brutally, I'd say orientation isn't very mutable once people get out of adolescence.

Poly seems a heck of a lot more mutable, from what I've seen... that is, it seems common for people who identified as mono at one time to later identify as poly, and people who identified as poly to later find themselves perfectly content in monogamous relationships.

Again, whether that's due to social pressures or individual experiences or changing awareness, I don't really know.