Ask Dr LJ - is being poly like being gay?

[goddessfarmer]

I know I've probably just offended someone with that post title. I'd like to hear your opinions on being polyamourous, specifically if you think being poly is something intrinsic to each individual or it is something that can be learned, or turned on and/or off. My (admittedly limited) knowledge of "gay" leads me to believe that it is an intrinsic quality, like having brown eyes, is being poly like this?  Please discuss.

Comments

[anotherjen.livejournal.com]

I used to be bi and poly when I was a teenager and in college. Right now my preference is to be monogamous* and although I can find women esthetically quite compelling, they don't turn me on. Maybe I just never wanted to be monogamous because I hadn't found anyone I like as much as dimers, or maybe I sowed my wild oats and I'm done. Maybe I was never actually bi, but I was just experimenting and wanted a way to get close to women. Or maybe I changed. So for me, sexual orientation and poly/mono have been changeable over time, not intrinsic. But I bet that's different for plenty of other people.

*I'm not... but... it's complicated. You know.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

i think it is for some people and isn't for others.

i think i could have been happily monogamous with two of the people i've ever met, were it not for other aspects of circumstances. i will never be monogamous again, though (having made permanent commitments to two people) so once the switch is set, it can stay set, at least for me.

[koshmom.livejournal.com]

I consider both to be a continuum. polyamorous --- monogamous or heterosexual --- bisexual --- homosexual. So if you consider heterosexual to be "1", bisexual to be "5" and homosexual to be "10" you can figure out where you are along the scale. Some people swing hard to some extent, and some are somewhere in the middle. It's not a switch that turns on and off as your life continues (see anotherjen's post) it's just that events and people you meet might make your natural tendency swing in a particular direction without denying your basic self.

[elusiveat.livejournal.com]

I believe that poly-compatibility might be like being gay. That is, I am willing to believe that some people are capable of loving multiply and others or not, or some people are capable of sharing their life partners and others are not.

I do not believe polyamory is like being gay. Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy, and therefore requires mutual consent from the parties involved. Being gay has nothing to do with consent, it's just the way someone is, whether they act on their preferences or not.

I believe people can change from polyamorous to non-polyamorous and vice versa. I am not certain how much act of will is involved. It's probably more analogous to being an atheist, being a Republican, or believing in astrology. Our values and beliefs are shaped by our experiences to date, it's not something that can necessarily be chosen.

Also, this reminds me of these conversation threads, especially the first one:
http://elusiveat.livejournal.com/393913.html
http://elusiveat.livejournal.com/394575.html
http://elusiveat.livejournal.com/394981.html

[mathhobbit.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go with "it depends". Also, "it's complicated".

If society made it more uncomfortable to be gay, I would probably choose to live my life as "straight". Would that make me straight? I think so.

My poly ex-fiancee seems to be actively poly mainly when she's dissatisfied with her primary partner. If society made it more uncomfortable to be poly...

I've certainly had feelings toward one person while partnered with another. I don't think I could be happy with an actively poly partner, so I don't identify as poly.

[marius23.livejournal.com]

In my experience, being poly (which is somewhat large grab bag for a variety of inclinations and behaviors) is more like being kinky (a somewhat larger grab bag), in that they seem to have both intrinsic and extrinsic components. That is, the tendency toward either seems to be a combination of intrinsic elements, either hardwired or learned at an early age, and extrinsic elements, learned, imposed or triggered at a much later stage of development.

Personally, on the one hand, I consider myself to be more intrinsically poly; the general concept seemed to make sense (even without the specific words) since I've started feeling attraction to people, and my behavior seemed to naturally gravitate in that direction. On the other hand, I'm more extrinsically kinky. I discovered it relatively late in life (I was almost 30) and there was a period (still ongoing to some extent) of learning and figuring out what worked for me and how I fit in.

[desiringsubject.livejournal.com]

I recommend reading Hanne Blank, e.g. on Virginity. I think that however we might conceptualize these things is subject to historicizing. Which is to say that I think it is a state that our current social situation leads us to believe has certain qualities that are social constructions largely conditioned by the time, place, and situation we live in.

[totient]

I do model them as being similar to each other in that for a given individual both aspects are slowly shifting, complex fields but with a fairly useful projection onto a one-dimensional continuum, with intrinsic and extrinsic aspects. But the most useful takeaway from that modeling is that for any point along the continuum there are people who will be unhappy there no matter how much they try, and that proselytizing -- in any direction -- is therefore absurd.

[(Anonymous)]

Interesting question... Steve and I took a workshop years ago on Poly at a festival, because our friend was leading it and he feared no one would show up. At the time, he started with the premise that being poly is like being gay, an intrinsic quality. We immediately thought "nope, not poly." then we met Adam. So I'm not sure....

[dpolicar]

My $0.02, for what they are worth:

Sexual and romantic identity is complex. By which I mean it has a lot of aspects to it, and those aspects interact.

We can get into a whole discussion of whether those aspects are "intrinsic" or "learned" in the abstract, but what you really seem to be asking here is whether, if someone starts out one way, can they (or you) count on them staying that way? Or, conversely, can they (or you) count on being able to change?

That is, you want to know how mutable these aspects are.

As far as I can tell, the mutability of expressed gender preference in sexual partners varies among people: some people keep one their whole lives, other people's varies over time.

Of course, social pressure has something to do with that.

OTOH, so does individual experience. That is, if you meet someone and fall madly in love with them even though they're of "the wrong gender," your orientation may change to reflect that.

And it may all just be a matter of awareness... that is, it may be that when someone who identifies as straight later comes to identify as gay or vice-versa, the reality is that they were bisexual all along, and are just changing what aspects of their orientation they're aware of. I don't know.

All that said, for whatever reason, the majority of people settle on an expressed orientation fairly early and don't change that aspect of their identity much. So, oversimplifying brutally, I'd say orientation isn't very mutable once people get out of adolescence.

Poly seems a heck of a lot more mutable, from what I've seen... that is, it seems common for people who identified as mono at one time to later identify as poly, and people who identified as poly to later find themselves perfectly content in monogamous relationships.

Again, whether that's due to social pressures or individual experiences or changing awareness, I don't really know.

[slackerstalker.livejournal.com]

I think a person's sexuality and gender identity are complex entities that are multi-dimensional, products of many factors including intrinsic biology and socialization/learning, and tending to grow and shrink and morph over time. You can certainly cut yourself off from your sexuality and gender, or have it cut off by circumstances. I think for some individuals their poly-ness is more intrinsic and for others it is more a learned trait. For me I think it's a learned trait, but learned at such a basic level of wiring that it feels intrinsic.

[spacehawk.livejournal.com]

I think for some people it's intrinsic, and for others it's less so. Some people are really intrinsically poly like a sexual orientation is intrinsic, and others could happily be monogamous or poly given the circumstances. And others could never be happy in a poly arrangement.

Chiming in, a week late

[khatru.livejournal.com]

In my experience, it's very much like sexual orientation. And, just as in Sexual Orientation, there are folks who like only one, like one but can do the other, and rather intently like both.

I also have experience of someone who's clearly hardwired monogamous -- because he philosophically believes that being open to loving more than one person is the best thing, and *wants* to do it, but every time he's tried he's gone absolutely bonkers with insecurity, fear, jealousy, rage, and depressoin. Which sounds to me somewhat similar to what happens to someone of a particularly inflexible orientation who is forced/trying to force themself into the 'wrong' one. (This was my first lover, and is the ultimate reason we aren't together -- because when I tried to be monogamous with him, *I* was miserable. And failed. So...)

There's also the somewhat more subtle variations -- For example, will platonically body-contact members of any gender, but only interacts explicitly sexually with one (sometimes called heteroflexible), all the flavors of bi-curious, bi-sensual, and on and on.

And of course, yes, what gets *expressed* is likely due to a confluence of perceived social acceptability and driving need -- be that sexual orientation, activity orientation (kinky vs vanilla, to polarize it), or relationship orientation.